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Get in the swamp

Snippet from the book
Rules of People
by Richard Templar

Rule 33

Recognize this? Your partner, or someone close to you, tells you they’re upset about something. You listen and then start making suggestions as to how to solve their problem. And in stead of being grateful, they get more upset and now it seems to be partly your fault but you’ve no idea why...

THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEED FIRST BEFORE YOU NEED SOLUTIONS

 

Trust me, it’s not only you this happens to. In fact you have probably experienced this from the other side yourself - you feel upset and your partner (or whoever) keeps offering solutions to your problem and it really winds you up. You don’t know why - clearly they’re trying to help - but it just isn’t helping and you’re starting to regret mentioning it to them at all. So what’s going on?

The fact is, theres something else you need first before you need solutions. If the person who is upset doesn’t recognize this need (and most of us don’t), they wont ask for it. But they’ll still feel frustrated they’re not getting it. Right, so what dies your partner or friend want you to do even before you try to help them?

They want your permission to feel what they’re feeling, that’s what. I know it makes very little sense a lot of the time, but feelings aren’t rational. The thing is, if you go straight into offering solutions, it appears to imply that the other person shouldn’t be upset or angry or worried because look, there’s a solution. But the other person does feel upset or angry or worried, and now on top of their problems you seem to be telling them their feelings are invalid. Thats the hidden subtext (yes, I know that isn’t what you actually meant at all).

The best analogy I know for this is to imagine the other person is stuck in a swamp and you’re standing on the edge. The way to help is not to throw them a rope, but to get into the swamp with them and agree how swampy it is. Then you can hold hands and get out of the swamp together instead of you pulling them out from the edge.

So before you even think about saying, ‘How about...’ or ‘Why don’t you...’ or ‘What if you were to...’, you need to graciously confer your permission to be upset. Just say something like, ‘I’m not surprised you’re angry’, or ‘I’d be really upset in your position’, or ‘No wonder you’re worried’.

Once they know they’re allowed to feel as they do, they can relax and think about solutions for themselves. Which goes to show that often they didn’t actually need help at all, they just wanted feelings validated. I have no idea why so few people recognize this need in themselves, but there it is. So you’ll have to do it for them (and for yourself when the roles are reversed).

Why Life Skills?

Why Life Skills?

In a constantly changing environment, having life skills is an essential part of being able to meet the challenges of everyday life. We help people tap into their full potential and define/achieve their goals for who they want to be and what they want to do.

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Course Implementation
The sky is the limit!

Course Implementation

These courses make great topics for leadership or school camps or any teambuilding activities, life skills day camps or weekend getaways for corporate groups or couples. The courses can be presented on a weekly basis for a set time or condensed into a one-day course. It is designed to be flexible.
Who can join?
This is for everyone.

Who can join?

Families, couples, children, schools, teams, employees and individuals.

Any person who wishes to improve their lives by doing challenging or worthwhile things will benefit from these courses. Anybody who is interested in personal development, overcoming difficulties or improving relationships.
Course Presentation
Insightful & Fun

Course Presentation

The presentation of the courses is designed to be insightful and fun, making the process of exploring these topics interesting, taking you on a journey to open your mind to new ideas and possibilities. This process can include demonstrations, activities, questionnaires, games, tasks etcetera, making the courses interactive and enjoyable.

List of the Life Skills Courses

We offer a range of Life Skills Courses to address certain problem areas and encourage personal development. Everyone would like to make a success of their lives and we offer tips and advice to get you where you would like to be.

Children & Family Dynamics

The Life Skills & Coaching Programs is designed to encourage personal development in children, adolescents and adults and at the same time providing an outlet for stress; learning responsibility and the necessary skills to be successful individuals.

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Our aim is to
Our aim is to
• Help troubled teenagers get back on track
• Help people deal with conflict, stress, and anger
• Discover potential and set goals to reach it
• Help build confidence and social skills
• Help with self-esteem and discipline
• Help improve family dynamic.
This Program
This Program
Is for the purpose of improving in knowledge, maturity, decision-making, leadership and independence, self-sufficiency and more. This is intended to expand thinking patterns, self-image, confidence and experiences by providing an impartial source of support who can listen and understand the challenges you are facing.
Benefits
for parents
Benefits for parents
When a child appears to lash out or react aggressively, they may be battling feelings of worry and fear. Life Skills can help your child to better understand the emotions they are experiencing and how to manage and communicate them, encouraging an easier parent-child relationship. Helping your child develop mature ways to deal with conflict, stress and anger could potentially make family life easier.
Supporting you
Supporting you
We do not stand in as parents, teachers or friends but are there to offer impartial, trustworthy support as individuals can experience difficulties in life on the adventure of growing up and growing older.

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Get in the swamp Snippet from the book Rules of People by Richard Templar Rule 33 Recognize this? Your partner, or someone close to you, tells you they’re upset about something. You listen and then start making suggestions as to how to solve their problem. And in stead of being grateful, they get more upset and now it seems to be partly your fault but you’ve no idea why... THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEED FIRST BEFORE YOU NEED SOLUTIONS